Remind Me Who I Am

Let me tell you a secret: I'm afraid. A lot.

I'm afraid of speaking--to a group and one-on-one. I'm afraid of failure--whether it's a hard class in school, the ACT test, or on my college apps. I'm afraid of telling about who I am, really, beneath the surface--whether it's expressing my witty, weird sense of humor or telling people I observe the seventh-day Sabbath.

And the fear stretches far beyond that into the simple, everyday things. Most of all, I'm afraid of what God will command me to do (because I'm afraid I'll fail) and afraid of what He's already told me to do (because I've already failed and I'm afraid there's no way I can succeed).

But God has a way of wagging His finger at all my misbeliefs and correcting them Himself.

Like when He reminded me that He didn't give me "a spirit of fear and timidity"--that's something of the flesh--"but of power, love, and self-discipline" (1 Timothy 1:7 NLT).

And those three gifts that He has given are really important and can help me conquer my fears.

Because He's given me the power to ace my tests', classes', and college applications'.

He's given me love--love for Him, to realize that He made me beautiful; love for myself, to be okay with how different I am; and love for others, to be honest and share who I am with them no matter what they may think.

And He's given me the self-discipline to accomplish the things He commands me to do, no matter how difficult they may seem.

And even when fear still creeps up around test-time, socializing-time, or obedience-time, God reminds me He "will personally go ahead of [me]. He will be with [me]; he will neither fail [me] nor abandon [me]" (Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT).

A devotional I read recently gave me this simple advice for dealing with fear: remember who you are. If I know and am assured of the fact that I am a daughter of God, saved by His Son Jesus and filled with His Holy Spirit, then what do I have to be afraid of?

Nothing. Not even death.

That's hard to write, hard to believe. Even as I type the words, my mind races to argue with that statement: "What about kidnapping? What about someone taking my brother or me? What if someone hurts my brother or me, or my mom? What if something happens to my dad?" I try to imagine the worst case scenario--extreme physical suffering, such that it seems unbearable.

But God says I don't have to fear even that: "don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot do any more to you after that" (Luke 12:4 NLT).

And besides, if Jesus could take His extreme physical (and emotional and spiritual) suffering for me, shouldn't I for Him?

The point is, when I remember who I am, I have nothing to fear.

When I lose my way,

And I forget my name

Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see

Is who I don't wanna be

Remind me who I am...

Tell me, once again

Who I am to You, who I am to You

Tell me, lest I forget

Who I am to You, that I belong to You

--Jason Gray, "Remind Me Who I Am"

---

Another devo-ish post yayyy! Well, I think yay. And apparently a lot of you do, too! So what do you think about this post? How do you handle fear? If you're a Christian, what Bible verses have you used to combat fear? If you aren't a Christian, what helps you fight fear? Let me know in the comments!

Continue reading »

Music Lately

Howdy.

this gif is so cute like asdfghjkl how did I run into such cuteness

A. I'm so happy about all the positive feedback I received on my previous post! I will try to publish more devotional-style posts from here on out

B. This month I'm trying a new "organizational-schedule" thing with my blog and related social media, so at least for September you should see me around more! (Although I don't know if I'll be able to read and comment on your blog posts *crying emoji*) Be sure to follow my Instagram and Twitter for regular updates from yours truly.

Now on to the possssst.

So it's been a while since I've shared my music faves with ya! Well I'm doing it again because while I haven't had time for a lot of things lately, I always have time for music.

As you can see, there is only one song from my seven-song list that doesn't fall under the rap/hip-hop/spoken word category. That's because ever since I got back from my creative writing program (about which I promise I will share more soon) I've been high-key obsessed with poetry and wordsmithery. Plus also I've just been litttt. So I'll get into some of these faves with you.

This for the kids of the king of all kings / This is the holiest thing / This is the beat that played under the Word / This is the sheep that ain't like what it herd--"All We Got"

I honestly don't even know where to start with Chance the Rapper. I'm once again hecka late to the game and only recently started listening to his music, but OHMYGOODNESS. The feels from his songs:

• joy
• praise
• laughter
• sadness
• sorrow
• tears
• nostalgia
• hope
• humor
• hugs
• family 

Not everyone can get into rap and I completely understand that, but I encourage you to try his music at least once. To me it's not even rap or hip-hop, it's like poetry set to beats and piano and choir voices and drums and synth and whatever else Chance chooses to mix in. "Blessings: Reprise" isn't on this playlist but that's the song I'd advise anyone who isn't familiar with Chance to listen to first.

---

In the beginning there was the Hero. / And the Hero was the Father. / And the Hero was the Spirit. / And the Hero was the Son. / And if this hurts your head already, / Welcome to the kingdom--"The Story (A Spoken Word)"

IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER FROM THERE.

Sorry but I heard this spoken word from Jimmy Needham (who I'd previously heard only as a singer) completely by accident and it's so beautiful I can't. This kind of beauty makes me appreciate Jesus even more and see His relation to me in a whole new, brighter light. A similar thing happened when I read The Chronicles of Narnia. But Jimmy Needham's poem is on a whole other level. You just have to hear it to understand.

---

First things first / I'ma say all the words inside my head / I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh / The way that things have been, oh ooh--"Believer"

I've been an Imagine Dragons fan for a while now and while I haven't heard all the songs from their new album, "Thunder" and "Believer" are definitely awesome. I love that "Believer" is on the radio so often because sometimes I will randomly turn on our car radio and that song will be playing and I'm just like

This song isn't exactly an "ohmygoodness so beautiful", but I like the lyrics and it's super catchy!

---

So those are the songs I've been listening to lately! To be honest most of my "recently played" music is either rap or solo piano songs (for studying and such). That's a pretty wide range lol, but it's reflective of my senior year so far!

What have you been listening to recently? What do you think of my list? Let me kow in the comments!

Continue reading »

Search Me, O God

Reciting the words of Psalm 139:23 always makes me a bit nervous.

Asking God to look through the deepest darkest parts of my heart isn't the easiest thing to do. I mean, He's already done it. He already sees my heart. But when I invite Him to do a survey of my heart, I'm also asking Him to expose those things to me, and give me something to pray over and work on. So I'm not afraid of God knowing what's in the darkest recesses of my heart, but me knowing what's in there.

But the last time I hesitated to pray this verse, God sent me an analogy: Asking God to search your heart is kind of like going to the dentist.

(stay with me here)

Now I don't know about you all--maybe you have flawless sparkling teeth--but if a dentist were to stick a little light and scraper thing into my mouth, I'd be terrified. Because I'm pretty sure I've got some not-good things going on in there. So I'd rather just avoid the dentist.

But the thing is, if I keep on going with the cavities and whatever else in my mouth, they'll only get worse. So if the dentist doesn't examine my mouth and fix the problems now, things could get really bad--like, gum cancer/teeth pulling/dentures bad.

It's kind of similar with our hearts.

(keep staying with me)

We've all got something evil in there, no matter how pure and great we seem on the surface. God knows what's in our hearts and offers to expose it so it can be fixed.

But if we let fear consume us, then the evil will only get worse--much worse than dentures or even gum cancer.

If we truly want to have "clear consciences before God" (Acts 24:16) and make progress in Christ, we need to be willing to let God sift through the mess in our hearts and pull out the dark parts. And we know that anything He finds can be conquered through Him.

So let's pray regularly over Psalm 139:23 to keep our hearts healthy, pure, and clear before God.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.—Psalm 139:23-24

---

Yay! Ya stayed with me! ^_^ What do you all think of this devotional-style post? It's pretty new for me but I'd really like to share more about God and what He's doing for me . Would ya like more like this? What are your thoughts on Psalm 139? Let me know in the comments!

Continue reading »

Things I've Done Since I've Been Gone

*note: "since I've been gone" means "since my last 'official' post near the end of 2015"

*double-note: this is not an exhaustive list; I thought including bathroom breaks, food menus, and daily location itineraries might be doing a bit much. for the sake of time and sanity, I've included what I feel to be "big deals"

*triple-note: sorry for all the notes. I'm sure it's low-key annoying. and for some of you, the word "low-key" is even more annoying. so I'm just making things worse right now. I'll stop.

2016

· Completed my sophomore year of high school

  - I survived that Honors American Lit class that sparked my "I Am Not Okay, And Yet I Am" post (passed with an A, actually)

· Turned sixteen

  - And went on two mall shopping sprees ^_^

· Received my driver's license

  - after breaking my glasses in 2015 and being unable to replace them for several months, my parents had to teach me to drive in less than 6 months

  - we had to rush to complete a certain number of hours driving before my permit expired so I could get my license (otherwise I would've had to wait a whole nother year)

  - I failed my first test rather bad (pulled onto a street while another car was coming pretty quickly)

  - passed my second test with flying colors (nearly perfect)

· Took a super-fun, super-short family road trip

  - saw the beautiful play Moses

  - sat in a hot tub for the first time (IT WAS AMAAAZING)

  - just had fun in general

· Started my junior year of high school

  - attended a local homeschool co-op for the first time which was funnn

  - also got involved with Student Council there (as secretary)

  - took US Government during a presidential election year WHICH WAS A MISTAKE (okay not totally a mistake but not something I would do again)

· Cut my hairrr

  - which is a pretty big deal in my circle! 

  - it's since grown out, but here's what it looked like:

· Was admitted to the hospital (twice) :(

  - acid reflux + stomach ulcer + low hemoglobin = DISASTER

  - almost had a blood transfusion :O

  - had prayer session, ended up not having to have transfusion! praise God! :D

  - also on the bright side, the hospital I stayed in was a lovely place w/ lovely people who truly blessed me

  - and I got to watch Ant-Man for the 1st time, Age of Ultron for the 2nd time, and Tangled for like the 1000th time while there. so overall not too bad :P

2017

· Began my college search

 - I've got an entire post on that coming later (what do you all think of a college/senior year series?)

 - visited a state school (which was an eye-opening experience)

· Completed junior year

  - with a high GPA! ^_^

· Took the ACT

  - and scored pretty high! :D

  - I was aiming for a little higher than what I got though so I might retake it

· Attended a two-week creative writing summer pre-college program

  - you guys...this has been the staple of 2017

  - I was grinding every day this spring/summer to raise the money for the program

  - there will be an entirely separate post dedicated to detailing my application process, fundraising efforts, preparation, and time at the program! (hmm...maybe that will take a series too...)

· Turned seventeen
  - one of my most interesting birthdays, as it was the first one not spent with my family (but I enjoyed it nonetheless)
  - my program-mates (?) sang "Happy Birthday" to me during college seminar so that was awesome!
  - and a dorm-mate (again, ?) painted my nails for me
  - no cake, but being at the pre-college program was kinda like my cake (not like I woulda been made if anyone had given me some or anything...)

· Saw Spider-Man: Homecoming
  - if you haven't seen it yet, YEP, IT'S AS AWESOME AS YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE AND PROBABLY EVEN MORE SO
  - if you have seen it, AREN'T MJ/MICHELLE + PETER GONNA BE A THING C'MONNN MAN
  - if you haven't seen it and have no plans to: um...okay.

---

So that's what I've been up to! See why I've been gone so long? I actually have an active life now, which I love, but I also miss blogging.

Sooo no promises, but I want to to try blogging again this year! I might try typing up a bunch of posts at once and then scheduling them. I also might try posting on YouTube again...? I'm not sure; we'll see. I really miss my blog as a creative outlet and want to return.

What have y'all been up to? Let me know in the comments! I'll try to get at ya again with another post soon. In the mean time, check out my Instagram and Twitter in my sidebar; I'll post more often on those outlets.

Bye for now!

Continue reading »

[kind of] updates

Hello!

Wow, it's been a while since I posted that "I'm alive" post hasn't it?

I've been wanting to get back to blogging sooo bad but my life has recently gotten 100% busier than it was before (and that is not an exaggeration). Some very exciting opportunities are going on right now that I'm not quite ready to share here yet but stay tuned because it is pretty awesome! (Okay fine I'll give you a hint--it has to do with college! And no I haven't graduated yet, I'm class of 2018 ^_^)

I just wanted to pop in and say:

1) hiiii

the fact that she's in pj's is just too accurate of a representation of me right now

2) God is so so so good and I'm never going to stop acknowledging this and I hope someday if you haven't recognized His goodness already that you do discover it and if you have already then I hope you keep recognizing it every day.

3) I am planning on getting back to blogging; I feel my creative juices flowing and I need my own space to let it out and this blog is the perfect place to do that. I'm thinking about some changes both visually and content-wise but ehh I don't know yet? Anyway, I'll be spilling out my thoughts into some post drafts and setting up some blog social media (finally!) so maybe I can kick this baby back off in August. (I'd do it earlier but my exciting, currently secret opportunity is gonna get in the way most of the summer.)

I hope you all are doing well! I haven't gotten to read any of my blog subscriptions lately (sorry!) but I did read some a couple months ago and I lots of you are really thriving. Most excited about:

• my long-time blogger bestie Rachel slaying over at SILVER MESS
• the amazing Abigail at The Ups and Downs of My Not-So-Average Life (I think it might just be "The Ups and Downs" now though...guys this is how long I've been gone *crying*)
• every blog in my reading list because they're all awesome and inspiring

Pray for me that I'll have time to get back into blogging regularly and updating my blog altogether because I really miss it and I miss you all! 

Until next time ♥

Continue reading »

Hello + Thank You

Well hey there everyone!

I guess you haven't seen me in a while?

1. I am okay. :)

2. I want to be either a(n)

    a. novelist

    

    b. journalist

    c. editor

3. Thanks for all the kind comments I received! You all are really awesome

So things did turn out okay--I kind of dropped my blog at the end of 2015, but I just wanted to return and say I'm alive. Unfortunately I don't have time to return regularly to blogging right now, but if and when I do, my whole mindset will be brand new--I really want to use my blog to honor God and inspire people. But I'll still be goofy Olivia, for sure :P

Last year was hard but good; I learned a lot and went through a lot and someday I'll get to the point where I share it with you all. But trust me, God matured me and changed me in amazing ways. I hope He keeps doing it. Or, that I keep allowing Him to do it. That's really what's up.

What's also up this year?

1) Taking a class at a local co-op/school (which means regular human socialization HELP)

2) School in general

3) Trying to get serious about life because um ADULTHOOD IN ONE YEAR WHAT

4) Trying to read more because that really enriched my creative side and I need to get back into it

Ahh. Things are crazy. I'm crazy. But God is good and He keeps on being good to me, so I'm more than okay now. I'm blessed.

I will sing the Lord’s praise, for He has been good to me.--Psalm 13:6

(I won't literally sing though; I wouldn't want to do that to your ears :P)

I update my Goodreads regularly now so if you wanna friend/follow me on there (and let me know how you found me when you send the friend request so I don't freak out :P) then you can see what I'm reading!

Thank you all so so so so so much.

a crying Michael Scott gif to express my full gratitude

How have you all been? I've been trying to catch up on some blogs and drop comments here and there. Let me know what you all are up to! :)

Continue reading »

I Am Not Okay, and Yet, I Am + This Month's Spotify Playlist

when it's all said and done

you and I are the lucky ones

It's funny, you'd think being a 10th grade homeschooled kid, life would be pretty easy. Homeschooling is supposed to mean flexibility and new means of learning and just being different than public school.

And yet, for some reason, daily I find myself comparing my schooling to public school.

You see, you might not realize it, but you public school kids get the advantage of having your day already planned out by the school district. Your class hours are packed neatly into a little daily seven-hour schedule, and you choose (for the most part) what you do outside of school.

Unfortunately, I do not have these luxuries.

Sure, I have a couple of online live classes which force me to have some semblance of order and regularity. But aside from that, I must outline my day. I must calculate how I spend the approximately thirteen hours of sunlight given me. I'm in control. And guess what? That's very, very bad for me.

I'm a natural-born procrastinator. It used to be funny, but now it isn't. So far this semester, that trait has given me nothing but late projects, bad grades, and hours of stress and anxiety. The other morning, I just broke down into tears and literally cried out to God to help me. Because I'm so disorganized and literally too messed up to function.

under the sun I found we were left to drown

evil abounds, weight is pullin’ us down

Do you ever get that drowning feeling? Like you're underwater and all the water is just filling your lungs and you can't swim to the surface and you try to yell for help but you just take in more water?

Yeah, I've had that feeling in dreams a lot. It's horrible. And it's the best way I can describe these past few weeks.

I've been drowning--breathing in the fatal waters of assignments, tests, and reading. And, flailing my arms and kicking my legs, I've been trying to cough back out overdue assignments, barely B- test scores, and half-skimming, half-just-reading-summaries of assigned reading. It's terrible and I've felt alone and scared and upset and angry with myself. I smile and laugh and go on pretending I'm okay. But really I'm not.

no sight or sound

impaired to His care

chasing after the wind

running after the air

A couple weeks ago, I made myself a little poster out of left over printer paper. And it just said two (three?) things: College-bound 2018.

That's my current goal. It's my dream. I want college so badly. I want to stand on campus and I want to study in the library and I want to cry my eyes out when things get too tough and I want to connect with other people who are struggling as much as I am.

I want college. And, more importantly, I need it for my dream job.

And yet, standing here on the weak precipice of measly old tenth grade, I realize I can't get there without God.

It's funny, I see people relate a belief in God with perfection. Well, if I'm perfect, then call...well, who will we call? Because if I, Olivia Williams, am perfect, then the world has ended and we should all be floating around in an oxygen-less, pitch-black atmosphere right now.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized how much I need God. A while back, I just felt so distant from Him and so cold to the world around me. I begged Him to shatter me into a million pieces if that's what it took to bring me to Him. And He did it. These past few weeks have shattered me.

I don't believe in luck

I believe in grace

but they say we’re lucky cause we seen His face

But guess what? I'm alive. I woke up this morning. And, God willing, I'll wake up tomorrow. I'll be breathing with my own lungs and using my own kidneys and pumping blood with my own heart. I will see a house that I don't deserve with my own eyes; I will hear an unconditionally loving family with my own ears; and I will sing the praises of God with my own voice.

That's the thing, you know? I get so caught up in everyday life not being "perfect" that I forget the literally billions of blessings I receive every day. 

And my suffering is nothing, compared to what Christ took for me. Did I forget the words of Paul to the Corinthians? "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look NOT at the things which ARE seen, but at the things which are NOT seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are NOT seen are eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Lord, we heard You call us

You heard our answer

and You give us second chances when we throw our hands up

So I will lift my eyes. Above my weakness and my suffering and my constant, daily, hourly, minutely falling. I will reach toward the heavens and touch the hem of my Father's garment, because even that is more than I deserve. And every morning I will get up, and I will try. I will fight. I will push back the darkness and the poison of the world, and I will reach out and up, and I will connect with God, and I will survive. Because I am far too blessed, and have come through far too much, to just quit now.

If you're struggling, no matter what it is--school, friendships, health, family/loved ones, personal issues, etc.--I want you to know that you are alive. There are so many different definitions of the word, but the most simple, found in almost all dictionaries, is "living, not dead". If you are reading this, you are breathing. And you are alive. You are not dead, though we deserve to be. Every moment we inhale is another blessing. And we should use that moment to praise Him, to serve Him, and to thank Him for His blessings, no matter what is going on in our lives.

Remember when I said I wasn't okay? Well, I'm not. And yet, at the same time, I am.

when it's all said and done

you and I are the lucky ones

we fought many

and we'll fight the night until we see the sun

we are the lucky ones

we are here

—Lecrae, Lucky Ones

(There, I am poured out, I am empty. I literally can say nothing else. Here is the month's playlist:

If you need to feel powerful, listen to The Stays. 

If you need to know you're not alone, listen to Here. 

If you need to feel inexplicably wistful and nostalgic, listen to the White Winter Hymnal cover. 

If you need to feel strangely sad, listen to the Photograph cover. 

If you need to reevaluate how you've been living your entire life, listen to Uncomfortable. 

If you need to have a little, random giggle, listen to the Watch Me cover. 

And if you just need to feel the love and words and promises of God enveloping you, saving you, comforting you, listen to Times.

And that is all that is left within me today.)

Continue reading »