I Am Not Okay, and Yet, I Am + This Month's Spotify Playlist

when it's all said and done

you and I are the lucky ones

It's funny, you'd think being a 10th grade homeschooled kid, life would be pretty easy. Homeschooling is supposed to mean flexibility and new means of learning and just being different than public school.

And yet, for some reason, daily I find myself comparing my schooling to public school.

You see, you might not realize it, but you public school kids get the advantage of having your day already planned out by the school district. Your class hours are packed neatly into a little daily seven-hour schedule, and you choose (for the most part) what you do outside of school.

Unfortunately, I do not have these luxuries.

Sure, I have a couple of online live classes which force me to have some semblance of order and regularity. But aside from that, I must outline my day. I must calculate how I spend the approximately thirteen hours of sunlight given me. I'm in control. And guess what? That's very, very bad for me.

I'm a natural-born procrastinator. It used to be funny, but now it isn't. So far this semester, that trait has given me nothing but late projects, bad grades, and hours of stress and anxiety. The other morning, I just broke down into tears and literally cried out to God to help me. Because I'm so disorganized and literally too messed up to function.

under the sun I found we were left to drown

evil abounds, weight is pullin’ us down

Do you ever get that drowning feeling? Like you're underwater and all the water is just filling your lungs and you can't swim to the surface and you try to yell for help but you just take in more water?

Yeah, I've had that feeling in dreams a lot. It's horrible. And it's the best way I can describe these past few weeks.

I've been drowning--breathing in the fatal waters of assignments, tests, and reading. And, flailing my arms and kicking my legs, I've been trying to cough back out overdue assignments, barely B- test scores, and half-skimming, half-just-reading-summaries of assigned reading. It's terrible and I've felt alone and scared and upset and angry with myself. I smile and laugh and go on pretending I'm okay. But really I'm not.

no sight or sound

impaired to His care

chasing after the wind

running after the air

A couple weeks ago, I made myself a little poster out of left over printer paper. And it just said two (three?) things: College-bound 2018.

That's my current goal. It's my dream. I want college so badly. I want to stand on campus and I want to study in the library and I want to cry my eyes out when things get too tough and I want to connect with other people who are struggling as much as I am.

I want college. And, more importantly, I need it for my dream job.

And yet, standing here on the weak precipice of measly old tenth grade, I realize I can't get there without God.

It's funny, I see people relate a belief in God with perfection. Well, if I'm perfect, then call...well, who will we call? Because if I, Olivia Williams, am perfect, then the world has ended and we should all be floating around in an oxygen-less, pitch-black atmosphere right now.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized how much I need God. A while back, I just felt so distant from Him and so cold to the world around me. I begged Him to shatter me into a million pieces if that's what it took to bring me to Him. And He did it. These past few weeks have shattered me.

I don't believe in luck

I believe in grace

but they say we’re lucky cause we seen His face

But guess what? I'm alive. I woke up this morning. And, God willing, I'll wake up tomorrow. I'll be breathing with my own lungs and using my own kidneys and pumping blood with my own heart. I will see a house that I don't deserve with my own eyes; I will hear an unconditionally loving family with my own ears; and I will sing the praises of God with my own voice.

That's the thing, you know? I get so caught up in everyday life not being "perfect" that I forget the literally billions of blessings I receive every day. 

And my suffering is nothing, compared to what Christ took for me. Did I forget the words of Paul to the Corinthians? "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look NOT at the things which ARE seen, but at the things which are NOT seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are NOT seen are eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Lord, we heard You call us

You heard our answer

and You give us second chances when we throw our hands up

So I will lift my eyes. Above my weakness and my suffering and my constant, daily, hourly, minutely falling. I will reach toward the heavens and touch the hem of my Father's garment, because even that is more than I deserve. And every morning I will get up, and I will try. I will fight. I will push back the darkness and the poison of the world, and I will reach out and up, and I will connect with God, and I will survive. Because I am far too blessed, and have come through far too much, to just quit now.

If you're struggling, no matter what it is--school, friendships, health, family/loved ones, personal issues, etc.--I want you to know that you are alive. There are so many different definitions of the word, but the most simple, found in almost all dictionaries, is "living, not dead". If you are reading this, you are breathing. And you are alive. You are not dead, though we deserve to be. Every moment we inhale is another blessing. And we should use that moment to praise Him, to serve Him, and to thank Him for His blessings, no matter what is going on in our lives.

Remember when I said I wasn't okay? Well, I'm not. And yet, at the same time, I am.

when it's all said and done

you and I are the lucky ones

we fought many

and we'll fight the night until we see the sun

we are the lucky ones

we are here

—Lecrae, Lucky Ones

(There, I am poured out, I am empty. I literally can say nothing else. Here is the month's playlist:

If you need to feel powerful, listen to The Stays. 

If you need to know you're not alone, listen to Here. 

If you need to feel inexplicably wistful and nostalgic, listen to the White Winter Hymnal cover. 

If you need to feel strangely sad, listen to the Photograph cover. 

If you need to reevaluate how you've been living your entire life, listen to Uncomfortable. 

If you need to have a little, random giggle, listen to the Watch Me cover. 

And if you just need to feel the love and words and promises of God enveloping you, saving you, comforting you, listen to Times.

And that is all that is left within me today.)