So I have been thinking about this for a while now (like, seriously, weeks) and it's driving me insane. I feel like I just need to get it out somehow. So here goes.
Isn't it funny how some people say "give God control of your life"? And I'm like "yeah, I would, if I could just figure out who has control of it right now and persuade them to give it over to God." Because I sure as heck don't have control over my life right now.
It just sort of wanders on by itself and embarrasses me and points out my flaws and then leaves me. Laughs at me. And sometimes I'm like "confound it, I'm going to stop whining about my life and take control of it." But my life is like an aquatic mammal--it is too difficult to gain a grasp on it and, once you do, you can't hold onto it for very long.
Lately I have been trying really really really really really really hard not to complain about me and my life, but I just need to get things off my chest sometimes, you know? If I tried talking to someone about it in person, I'd just get a lecture about all the things I should be thankful about or faked reassurance that my life is fine or simply a blank, glazed stare. So, even though you don't have to, it would be nice if you'd just read on and maybe sympathize with me just a little. I just want to know that someone is listening. Without having to see a reaction on their face. Sorry if that sounds heartless. Or something.
I know there is a certain way you have to act in order to receive respect from people and I wish I knew what that "certain way" is so that I could receive respect. I can't even get my six-year-old brother to listen to me. I tell him to do something or to stop doing something and he just rolls his eyes or says "no!" and when I raise my voice or try to get physical, my mom says "calm down, O" or "leave him alone, O" and I'm just like "asdfghjkl, seriously?" If a six-year-old doesn't respect or at least slightly fear me, who will?
My friend Melody and I were talking the other day about how our fourteenth birthdays are coming up. I said that 14 isn't going to be an important age for me, and Melody said it should be because people would start to treat me like an actual teenager and not a little kid anymore. And I was like "hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that's hilarious you really crack me up". Because I'm gonna have to be at least 16 before anyone stops treating me like a little kid. And, I already know: the fact that being called a "little kid" bothers me so much is proof that I truly am a little kid. Because five-year-olds also whine about being called little kids too and I just realized that I've spoken about this before but it still annoys me which proves that I'm a whining baby and now I'm calling myself names which means my mom is gonna sit me down later and have a "long talk" about how I need to change the way I view myself and how no one wants to read my blog because all I do is complain about myself. Well I'm sorry but it's late and I'm fed up right now and I don't really want to hear someone make a rebuttal against me right now and I know I'm sort of throwing an uncalled-for internet temper tantrum but frankly I think I deserve to throw a tantrum right now and yeah.
Isn't it funny how some people say "give God control of your life"? And I'm like "yeah, I would, if I could just figure out who has control of it right now and persuade them to give it over to God." Because I sure as heck don't have control over my life right now.
It just sort of wanders on by itself and embarrasses me and points out my flaws and then leaves me. Laughs at me. And sometimes I'm like "confound it, I'm going to stop whining about my life and take control of it." But my life is like an aquatic mammal--it is too difficult to gain a grasp on it and, once you do, you can't hold onto it for very long.
Lately I have been trying really really really really really really hard not to complain about me and my life, but I just need to get things off my chest sometimes, you know? If I tried talking to someone about it in person, I'd just get a lecture about all the things I should be thankful about or faked reassurance that my life is fine or simply a blank, glazed stare. So, even though you don't have to, it would be nice if you'd just read on and maybe sympathize with me just a little. I just want to know that someone is listening. Without having to see a reaction on their face. Sorry if that sounds heartless. Or something.
I know there is a certain way you have to act in order to receive respect from people and I wish I knew what that "certain way" is so that I could receive respect. I can't even get my six-year-old brother to listen to me. I tell him to do something or to stop doing something and he just rolls his eyes or says "no!" and when I raise my voice or try to get physical, my mom says "calm down, O" or "leave him alone, O" and I'm just like "asdfghjkl, seriously?" If a six-year-old doesn't respect or at least slightly fear me, who will?
My friend Melody and I were talking the other day about how our fourteenth birthdays are coming up. I said that 14 isn't going to be an important age for me, and Melody said it should be because people would start to treat me like an actual teenager and not a little kid anymore. And I was like "hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that's hilarious you really crack me up". Because I'm gonna have to be at least 16 before anyone stops treating me like a little kid. And, I already know: the fact that being called a "little kid" bothers me so much is proof that I truly am a little kid. Because five-year-olds also whine about being called little kids too and I just realized that I've spoken about this before but it still annoys me which proves that I'm a whining baby and now I'm calling myself names which means my mom is gonna sit me down later and have a "long talk" about how I need to change the way I view myself and how no one wants to read my blog because all I do is complain about myself. Well I'm sorry but it's late and I'm fed up right now and I don't really want to hear someone make a rebuttal against me right now and I know I'm sort of throwing an uncalled-for internet temper tantrum but frankly I think I deserve to throw a tantrum right now and yeah.
Hey O!
ReplyDeleteI totally get how you feel (and I know you don't want to hear a rebuttal, but here it is :-). Sometimes I feel like screaming that my life isn't fair and that I want to run away and go live at Starbucks or something.
But then I remember that my life really isn't all that hard, because there are people who are going through *much* harder things than I am. (For example--a person living in North Korea. Or a person in the slums of India. Or a person living on the streets in Detroit.) So I guess that kind of gives me perspective :-)
And the way you feel about people not respecting you? That happens to everyone. Even eighty-one-year-old grandpas. It's just a natural path of life--we disrespect one another and respect one another. It's not something that just magically stops, and sometimes you have to work hard to earn it.
You might be wondering, How do you earn respect? I could give you a really vague answer and tell you that "maturity earns respect," but to be honest, that doesn't really help, because maturity can't be learned and it takes time. So if you feel like people are treating you like a little kid, you want to act a certain way in order for people to respect you, it's probably going to take time. (That's where patience comes in.) And some people probably already do respect you--you just don't know it yet :-)
One of my favorite verses is 1 Timothy 4:12:
"Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, show yourselves an example to those who believe." This is probably my life verse right now, and I love it, because it shows that although we're younger and probably a little bit more immature than adults, we can still show Christ's love to others through the things that we do and say.
So, anyway, that MIGHT have helped, but I'm not sure. Hopefully it did :-)
~Rcubed~
Oh, and I'm not saying that you're immature :-) I'm saying that stuff like this takes time.
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